Bravery Finally Found: A Blog Sequel

Now first, let me apologize for not being able to show proof of my brave escapade. My battery died during the most crucial turning point of my life, and all I can do now is describe the experience as much as I can to you. And while this may be a bad thing, I can't help but think that no picture will ever be able to make you understand the feeling as much as I can tell you. Or it could be that I'm just trying to make the best out of the current situation.

My stopover before the big step to the moon (not really to the moon, but it felt like it!)

Okay. So a few weeks ago last year, I failed to stick to a plan I've been carefully mapping out for weeks which left me feeling devastated and quite disappointed with myself. While I'd like to say that this year it's gonna be different, I'm not really sure. I can't say that it was fueled by a New Year's Resolution either as I did not exactly have any New Year's resolution this year (I know! Shocking, right?). But going back to the story, it was mostly fueled by my curiosity and my refusal to disappoint myself again. But I'm telling you, it did not start off great.
It happened quickly, actually. It was more like a spontaneous decision than a planned-out one. I was heading home when I realized that there's an event happening at the same place I initially wanted to go to in which I didn't. So, I began going back and forth, and weighing the pros and cons if I did go. I kept pacing around the city- fidgeting, staring blankly at the sky and then walking aimlessly from left to right and vice versa. In one word, I was frantic. It terrified me. The idea terrified me. And there was the constant battle of WhatIfs and Maybes on both sides of the equation.
My mind was going crazy. I felt like crying because I didn't know what to choose. Should I go for it or not? Should I miss out on it again, knowing that I might just feel the same thing I've felt last time? Will I actually be able to forgive myself when I have deliberately set myself up for the fall?
At the end of the day, I knew that the answers to my questions is a big NO. I refuse to back down. I refuse to set myself up for another disappointment when I can prevent it from happening. I refuse to be consumed by my fears and the frightening possibilities created by my own imagination. Most of all, I simply refuse to do the same thing twice.
I already knew the aftermath of my first decision, so why do it again when I wasn't happy with how it turned out the first time? This was what fueled me to push through and dive in headfirst. I did not care anymore. I just told myself to enjoy the ride.
So as I walk to the train station, I can feel the anticipation in me swelling up like vomit. I know it's the worst metaphor I can ever think of, but that's exactly how I felt that time. I was so excited that I wanted to throw up. I did everything I can to delay it. I walked slower, made a few stopovers and even found myself making up excuses.
As I approach the entrance, my head and heart was preparing for battle- against each other. It didn't help that I needed to go to the loo (toilet) either.
But I guess, I would have to thank my bladder for giving me the nudge I needed to just go in there and say 'Fuck it!'. And since I had to go to the loo, and there's no other place to go to, I went in and immediately asked the staff where the nearest bathroom is and if they have food. When I was rehearsing the words in my head, I found the inquiry funny- hilarious, even. I suppose it was somewhat rude though since the staff did not even show nor hint a single stifle (Oops!). Or it could just be that I don't have a sense of humor at all... Let's go with the rude delivery instead.
After the trip to the loo, I felt at ease. I was shy at first, but I found myself enjoying the atmosphere. Most of all, I felt proud. I felt proud of myself for pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I felt proud because I made a decision to step forward- no matter how little or trivial or petty it was. Most of all, I felt happy. I felt happy because I took control- not of life, not of the situation, not of others, but of myself. And for a moment there, I felt invincible.